I often see people writing or hear them say, 'I love being a mother! It's the best thing in the world!'
Really? Every day you love it?
I don't always feel that way. Actually, I struggle with it daily. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I love my family and I can't imagine life without them. When I hear of something horrible that happened to a child or family, I cringe and fervently pray that it won't happen to mine.
I just struggle with the loss of my own identity and personal freedom. I am grateful to be able to stay home with my kids and not have to put them in a daycare. But, it gets rather dull some days. I hope you can empathize with me a little. I guess I just didn't think it would be this hard. It really isn't, I mean, I am extremely blessed and I know that. We are all healthy, we have a home, a job, things we need, food, a wonderful extended family, friends and neighbors.. but sometimes it's just the monotony and daily routine that's hard... am I wrong for thinking that?
I didn't become a mother to be covered in every bodily fluid. Multiple times, from multiple children, for years. To have to change diapers on piercing, screaming babies (as is my current trial) because they've peed all over themselves in the middle of the night after they've already been screaming for 45 minutes because I'm trying to let them 'cry it out' because I've already fed them........ story of my life right now.
I didn't become a mother to never sleep again...sigh.. love my husband for letting me sleep with this baby. I have admittedly given the kids the iPad just so I could lay down for a while..but I do hate having to be the one to get up with the baby, because I feed the baby.. all.. night.. long.......
I didn't become a mother to be forever attached to a child, whether in pregnancy, nursing, or when they grow and become spider monkeys and attach themselves to your legs, arms, back, etc.
I didn't become a mother so I could be asked 'why?' to EVERYTHING under the sun, including a 4 year old who stalls bedtime by asking just one more question such as, 'Why do we have heads?' Although, that one made me laugh. How would you answer that?
I didn't become a mother to have to chauffeur my children too and fro just so they could have playmates, dance classes and school and have life experiences, even though it's good for them. I know I opted them into these things, but it really is good for them, but it's hard on me.. and the siblings I have to drag along.
I didn't become a mother to always have to sit down last at a meal and have to deal with 'I don't like this food!' all the time. Please do this, do that, make this, make that. Cold dinners are no fun.
I didn't become a mother to have to do a million loads of laundry and then have to fold it twice because my 2 year old loves to play in the neat piles I made after folding.. another sigh..
I didn't become a mother to have to pace around church, removing a screaming child from the room and not be able to glean anything from the meeting because I'm attempting to keep my kids quiet and entertained. But I go, because that's what is asked of me. And sometimes I get a lot out of the meetings.
..........so I could go on... but I'm coming to realize that I'm looking at motherhood from the wrong perspective and with extreme selfishness.
Sister Elaine S. Dalton (recently released YW President) gave a wonderful talk that was discussed in our Relief Society a few weeks ago. She said something that hit home and really lifted my spirits:
"As daughters of God we are each unique and different in our circumstances and experiences. And yet our part matters—because we matter. Our daily contributions of nurturing, teaching, and caring for others may seem mundane, diminished, difficult, and demeaning at times, and yet as we remember that first line in the Young Women theme—“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us”—it will make all the difference in our relationships and our responses."
(April 2013 Conference)
I became a mother so I could hold a precious baby in my arms, feel their fingers clamp around mine and know what this baby was mine, entrusted to me by a loving Heavenly Father to be their mother on this earth. To be able to kiss them whenever I wanted, and be given hugs and kisses in return. Just because, 'I love you Mommy!'
I became a mother to learn how to better love others, even when it is so difficult to because of the circumstances, because that's how our Heavenly Father loves us, despite our imperfections. He LOVES us. Unconditionally. Forever. Period.
I became a mother so I could grow spiritually, mentally (although it seems like the synapses in my mind are all disconnected at times), physically (ha, pregnancy..but seriously, lugging kids around is like lifting weights!). So I could grow in this life, be cut back, HUMBLED, and learn how to have relationships with others.
I became a mother because so many in the world are arguing that a woman's role is not in the home. That children are a bother and that marriage is not important. I think otherwise. I believe that my role as a woman is to be a mother and if possible, as I am blessed to do so now, be home with my kids. I'd like my children to be a positive influence in the world and have testimonies of Christ. I'm not always the best example to them.... but I have a big learning curve. We've gone full circle now..
So I guess I can say that I do love being a mother and that it is the greatest thing I've done in my life. But it is hard, and I yell a lot, and get mad, and annoyed, frustrated.. a mean mom sometimes.. but I love my kids and do a lot of wonderful things with them. It's a lot easier to focus on the negative when you're knee deep in screaming, whining kids, piles of laundry, a messy house, sleep-deprived state for hours on end. But then the day ends. The kitchen gets cleaned. Laundry gets folded (and put away, sometimes). Prayers are said, kisses given, and you can't help but melt when you see sleeping children. Or quietly shout for joy that they are asleep. Haha..
I chose this life and I don't mean to complain or whine about it. Life isn't ways fun! That's the way it is! I just wanted to express my feelings. I know there are solutions to all of these problems and that it's not as diar as it seems. Moroni taught, "I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
So this is my trial by fire. I only hope and pray that I will become a mother full of faith and wisdom, that I will do right by my children and lead them into correct paths. I hope I will come to fully understand what is truly important in life, and what is unnecessary, because a lot of things in this world are unnecessary, but they are rather enticing. I love each of my children dearly and even find myself thinking of having more! They are so funny, so honest, so curious and so so loving. Yes this life is hard, but the fact that it's hard means there is much to learn and that it's worth so much. And, it makes the sweet times even more sweet.
So who am I? I'm a mother. I am so blessed to be able to say that.