2013

2013

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Murmurings

So I mentioned March has been a blur. April too. Really, Since Scott was born my life has just been turned upside-down. At first it was dealing with a newborn and post-pardnum recovery. Then it was coming to terms with losing what little freedoms and routines I had with Sarah all over again to Scott's constant needs. Then it was just figuring out how to deal with them both by myself all day and keep the house running, food on the table and everyone's personal hygiene in good standing. (No joke.. I had to really concentrate and remind myself to brush my teeth every day) Then it was dealing with Scott's fussyness and gas issues.

Then.. we had a couple weeks of solid sleeping. Like Scott was sleeping 7 and 4 hour stretches. We had them in the same room. Life was looking good.

And then.. he stopped. Really stopped. Sleeping that is. He started waking up every 1-2 hours. At first I fed him thinking it was a growth spurt because boys are just hungrier I had heard. Then I thought-he's huge! He's gaining weight fine and is healthy. So I tried letting him cry. Well, that woke up Sarah so we moved him back in our room. I don't have to explain to anyone how difficult it is to listen to a crying baby. I really tried letting him cry but felt like he was in pain and felt bad doing it for long. So.. I let him cry but not too long until I give him his binky back and try to comfort him a little. There were many sleepless nights. Sarah woke up a lot too and became really needy. We were all really frustrated, angry, yelling at eachother.. it just wasn't happy in our house.

I'm not going to lie. It's been a rough 6 weeks. Really rough. I've wanted to scream just about every day because I'm just so frustrated. I've wanted to hit and break things. I've never cried so much. I've wanted to run away numerous times because I just couldn't take it anymore. And, to make it worse.. I saw so many other mothers who had multiple children who seemed to be doing just fine! What was my problem?

I have never, let me make that clear.. but I can see how some parents would shake their babies. My heart aches for them.

And it is worse when they are both crying at the same time. One is always neglected if I'm alone and that makes me feel horrible, until I'm past feeling.. which makes me feel even worse for not feeling guilty.

I've tried to go out and do things like play groups and story time. It has started to warm up but.. it's cold again. I've tried to remind myself that Scott is still 'little' and that this will get better as he grows. But he's 4 months now.. is it going to get better??

I think he has a milk allergy, which is what his gas problem is - forcing the discomfort. But I don't want to change my diet. I'm trying some nursing tips from a nursing expert.. but am growing impatient!

He has slept a little better in the past week. Going back to sleep better after crying..feeding only a couple times.. sleeping longer stretches.. but the lack of good quality sleep is getting old. Crying babies all the time is getting old. The COLD is getting old! Sheesh!

I've also tried to be better at my personal prayers and personal scripture study to try to help get some blessings. You're supposed to be blessed for doing what you're supposed to right? But.. I didn't feel like it. I felt like "I'm doing it, now where are my blessings?"

So I feel a bit like Laman and Lemuel from the Book of Mormon. You know.. the brothers of the Nephi and sons of the prophet Lehi. They murmured all the time! Over everything. Because it was hard and they wanted to be in control. They had angels come, they heard the voice of the Lord, they had this and that to PROVE to them that the Lord was real and that they were blessed. Of course they repented and believed every time.. but when times got tough, they went right back to murmuring. That's me. I'm a murmurer. In the same cycle.

I try to see the blessings. I do. I have 2 beautiful children. Healthy. Adorable. I love them. Sarah is so sweet when she knows I'm sad and will give me hugs without me asking. Scott has the sweetest smile and little cooing. He takes a binky! My husband has a great job and is providing for our family. He's got a great opportunity with school. We're healthy. We are together. He loves me and our kids. I have wonderful friends, neighbors, and family who have all offered support when I've reached out and even when I haven't. Thank you for that. Most of all.. I have the gospel and the knowledge that the Savior knows me and how to succor me.

I know that this experience is teaching me that I need to rely on the Lord more. I got the chance to attend Time Out For Women, a women's conference put on by Deseret Book. The speakers were wonderful and gave me a boost. The best was Brad Wilcox (ahhhhh!! I listened to his youth talks all the time! So dreamy..) who spoke of the Atonement and how we must rely on the Lord in everything. I can't do this. I can't be a mother alone. I need divine help. I need guidance. I need strength. I need Him. I need to do better and be more dilligent to do my part.. so He can do His.

It is going to be ok. It is. I have to believe. I'm trying to be better and make better choices so I can have the Spirit in my life. Someone pointed out a quote recently that really hit me - President Erying said "If you have felt the influence of the Holy Ghost during this day...you may take it as evidence that the Atonement is working in your life." What a great indicator.

So I'm not asking for sympathy or suggestions on how to deal. I just need to get my murmurings out so I can get on to the better part.. and focus on the good. Thanks for listening. I love you all.

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