Murmurings

So I mentioned March has been a blur. April too. Really, Since Scott was born my life has just been turned upside-down. At first it was dealing with a newborn and post-pardnum recovery. Then it was coming to terms with losing what little freedoms and routines I had with Sarah all over again to Scott's constant needs. Then it was just figuring out how to deal with them both by myself all day and keep the house running, food on the table and everyone's personal hygiene in good standing. (No joke.. I had to really concentrate and remind myself to brush my teeth every day) Then it was dealing with Scott's fussyness and gas issues.

Then.. we had a couple weeks of solid sleeping. Like Scott was sleeping 7 and 4 hour stretches. We had them in the same room. Life was looking good.

And then.. he stopped. Really stopped. Sleeping that is. He started waking up every 1-2 hours. At first I fed him thinking it was a growth spurt because boys are just hungrier I had heard. Then I thought-he's huge! He's gaining weight fine and is healthy. So I tried letting him cry. Well, that woke up Sarah so we moved him back in our room. I don't have to explain to anyone how difficult it is to listen to a crying baby. I really tried letting him cry but felt like he was in pain and felt bad doing it for long. So.. I let him cry but not too long until I give him his binky back and try to comfort him a little. There were many sleepless nights. Sarah woke up a lot too and became really needy. We were all really frustrated, angry, yelling at eachother.. it just wasn't happy in our house.

I'm not going to lie. It's been a rough 6 weeks. Really rough. I've wanted to scream just about every day because I'm just so frustrated. I've wanted to hit and break things. I've never cried so much. I've wanted to run away numerous times because I just couldn't take it anymore. And, to make it worse.. I saw so many other mothers who had multiple children who seemed to be doing just fine! What was my problem?

I have never, let me make that clear.. but I can see how some parents would shake their babies. My heart aches for them.

And it is worse when they are both crying at the same time. One is always neglected if I'm alone and that makes me feel horrible, until I'm past feeling.. which makes me feel even worse for not feeling guilty.

I've tried to go out and do things like play groups and story time. It has started to warm up but.. it's cold again. I've tried to remind myself that Scott is still 'little' and that this will get better as he grows. But he's 4 months now.. is it going to get better??

I think he has a milk allergy, which is what his gas problem is - forcing the discomfort. But I don't want to change my diet. I'm trying some nursing tips from a nursing expert.. but am growing impatient!

He has slept a little better in the past week. Going back to sleep better after crying..feeding only a couple times.. sleeping longer stretches.. but the lack of good quality sleep is getting old. Crying babies all the time is getting old. The COLD is getting old! Sheesh!

I've also tried to be better at my personal prayers and personal scripture study to try to help get some blessings. You're supposed to be blessed for doing what you're supposed to right? But.. I didn't feel like it. I felt like "I'm doing it, now where are my blessings?"

So I feel a bit like Laman and Lemuel from the Book of Mormon. You know.. the brothers of the Nephi and sons of the prophet Lehi. They murmured all the time! Over everything. Because it was hard and they wanted to be in control. They had angels come, they heard the voice of the Lord, they had this and that to PROVE to them that the Lord was real and that they were blessed. Of course they repented and believed every time.. but when times got tough, they went right back to murmuring. That's me. I'm a murmurer. In the same cycle.

I try to see the blessings. I do. I have 2 beautiful children. Healthy. Adorable. I love them. Sarah is so sweet when she knows I'm sad and will give me hugs without me asking. Scott has the sweetest smile and little cooing. He takes a binky! My husband has a great job and is providing for our family. He's got a great opportunity with school. We're healthy. We are together. He loves me and our kids. I have wonderful friends, neighbors, and family who have all offered support when I've reached out and even when I haven't. Thank you for that. Most of all.. I have the gospel and the knowledge that the Savior knows me and how to succor me.

I know that this experience is teaching me that I need to rely on the Lord more. I got the chance to attend Time Out For Women, a women's conference put on by Deseret Book. The speakers were wonderful and gave me a boost. The best was Brad Wilcox (ahhhhh!! I listened to his youth talks all the time! So dreamy..) who spoke of the Atonement and how we must rely on the Lord in everything. I can't do this. I can't be a mother alone. I need divine help. I need guidance. I need strength. I need Him. I need to do better and be more dilligent to do my part.. so He can do His.

It is going to be ok. It is. I have to believe. I'm trying to be better and make better choices so I can have the Spirit in my life. Someone pointed out a quote recently that really hit me - President Erying said "If you have felt the influence of the Holy Ghost during this day...you may take it as evidence that the Atonement is working in your life." What a great indicator.

So I'm not asking for sympathy or suggestions on how to deal. I just need to get my murmurings out so I can get on to the better part.. and focus on the good. Thanks for listening. I love you all.

March maddness

Seriously! The last month has been a blur! To start with..we both have March birthdays! We kept it low key but I wanted a date for my birthday! And so we got a baby-sitter (thanks Jean!) and went to dinner at a Japanese steakhouse and then went ice skating! (Note: we went ice skating on our first date and haven't been since. It was a bit nostalgic for me!) I do have to say that the place was PACKED. There was a regional swim meet, hockey game and open skating that night at the athletic center. Also, ice skating is 'the place to be' on Saturday nights for teenagers. Texting and skating too.. grrrrrr.... And there were tons of little kids too. I think we were the only adults out there. Let's not talk about how hard it was not to feel like an idiot when all these tiny kids go zipping past on the ice because they've been playing hockey since they were like 3.... anyway. It was fun. I tried to convince myself I wouldn't fall down a lot..don't know why I was so confident because I fell within the first 10 minutes and about every 10 minutes until we left. But we had a blast and it was sooooooooo good to have a night out.

 Why it's so difficult for me to lift my stinking leg I have NO IDEA!

Kurtis in a spin.. can't you tell? See! That was one of those little speed demons. Always in the way..

BUT WAIT! I also happened upon something amazing on Craigslist.... a piano! Within a week this baby was safe and sound (thanks to the missionaries and Bryce and the May's truck) in my living room. Sarah is thrilled to play it all the time and gets mad at me when I sit down to play on her piano.

 Isn't she just adorable! I can't wait to give her lessons. I swear she was plinking out notes to "twinkle twinkle" the other day...

 But most days I'm just hanging around with these two imps. Sarah won't let me get too many pictures because she's so interested in what's on the camera screen.

And she likes to climb all over me if I'm on the ground.

Ash Wednesday

So I went shopping on Wednesday, a wet, snowy day and I saw a woman with a smudge on her forehead. I thought, oh no! She probably touched her car (as my car is filthy right now from all the melting snow) and accidently touched her head. I've done that.

I had this inner-turmoil go on in my head of Should I tell her? Should I let it go?

I finally thought, Well, I'd want someone to tell me if I had a major smudge on my head!

So, like the kind, considerate person I am, I went up to her and told her she had a little smudge on her forehead and that I just wanted her to know. Well, she looked at me like I was a total idiot and rude for telling her. Yeah, she said, It's Ash Wednesday. She tried to be kind about it and thanked me for being considerate, I guess, but the look she gave me said it all. So I slinked away feeling totally ignorant.

Now then, what is Ash Wednesday? I mean, we don't celebrate it or Lent in our faith. We DO celebrate Easter. I know that it occurs every year around Easter but I've never known why. So I researched.

"In Western Christianity, Ash Wednesday marks the first day, or the start of the season of Lent, which begins 40 days prior to Easter (Sundays are not included in the count). Lent is a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline. During some Ash Wednesday services, the minister will lightly rub the sign of the cross with ashes onto the foreheads of worshipers. (Can I note here that the smudge on her head did NOT look like a cross? It looked like a smudge. I tried to put a picture up here but it failed. So I wasn't totally an idiot)

Not all Christian churches observe Ash Wednesday or Lent. They are mostly observed by the Lutheran, Methodist, Presbyterian and Anglican denominations, and also by Roman Catholics. Eastern Orthodox churches observe Lent or Great Lent, during the 6 weeks or 40 days preceding Palm Sunday with fasting continuing during the Holy Week of Easter. Lent for Eastern Orthodox churches begins on Monday and Ash Wednesday is not observed. The Bible does not mention Ash Wednesday or the custom of Lent, however, the practice of repentance and mourning in ashes is found in 2 Samuel 13:19; Esther 4:1; Job 2:8; Daniel 9:3; and Matthew 11:21." (from about.com) I found a little bit more of an explanation, and humor, here

Anyway, what's the lesson learned? That's why I don't talk to people, Kurtis said. Maybe so, but maybe be more educated on the faiths of others. Whatever the case, Easter is upon us. What a wonderful time to celebrate the resurrection of Christ and His sacrifice for us. You can learn more here.

A day in the life

Things are good for us. I'm attempting to find some sort of order in our lives and make a schedule. Of course it changes daily and we just live day to day. But life is good. Now if only spring can come and we can stop passing around sicknesses.. life would be so wonderful! I'm forcing the spring with my decorating... even though it is currently snowing outside. We got this toy out and I'm not sure who likes it more...

My big helper. Too bad she can't actually carry the basket. She tries so hard!

"NO, I want to wear my sweatshirt like this." And she did for a while.

Isn't he a doll? He's nearly 3 months now (!!) and at two months he weighed almost 13 pounds. He's still little to me!

Valentine's party

We had a little valentine party at playgroup with all the kiddos. We decorated bags and handed out our valentines. I love that Sarah is getting old enough to understand a little more and enjoy things. Of course, she helped herself to the candy right away. That's my girl!

Oh, don't mind my drunken eyes. I still wanted to document the day